Monday, June 11, 2007

Thank you, DMV perverts (it's a dirty job, but somebody gets to do it)

Warning: Although I have tried to keep this PG rated, certain slang words in the following might offend some readers, and most definitely would offend the Utah Division of Motor Vehicles.

If it wasn't for the ever-vigilant Division of Motor Vehicles in this state, I wouldn't know half as much about sex as I do. Silly me, I drive around the valley for hours, oblivious to all the perversion to which I am being exposed. This morning, Rolly's column reassured me that the DMV is looking out for me.

Yes, the official Utah Division of Motor Vehicles Guide to Sex is still getting plenty of use. Thank you, DMV! Imagine if I had been driving down State Street, pulled up behind a 1969 gold Corvette, and observed a license plate that said '69 Gold. I might have thought it referred to his '69 gold car, not knowing that it was also--well, something totally different.

That's what I like about the DMV's diligence on these license plates: they protect me from English (or, heaven forbid, French) words that might seem innocent and perhaps even amusing to those of us who don't study sex dictionaries or surf porn sites on a regular basis. Without the DMV to protect us, the 2% of people who use certain innocent-sounding words to mean something not-so-innocent wouldn't be able to ban the use of such words by the rest of us.

I am impressed by the DMV's thoroughness. I would love to see the expense account for these plate crusaders:

$18.99, "38 Disgusting Uses of Kitchen Desserts" ("Sorry, Mrs. Garrett, we are revoking your 'Streudel' license plate")

$22.00 Barnes & Noble, "What Your Pet's Name Says About You" ("I'm sorry, Sweetie, the DMV says we have to rename 'Fluffer'")

$39.99 Ten minutes @ $3.99 per minute, 1-900-TalkDirty

$49.00 Membership in Larry Flynt Book of the Month Club

$125.00 Drinks with tip at Bound to Please Bar and Grill ("So, heard any good euphemisms for . . . you know . . . lately?")
Hey, DMV: When you run out of plates to revoke, I found a new tool (sorry, I mean aid--no, I mean book--is that okay?) for you to use. This one says it has 3,000 sex slang terms--yea! 3,000 absolutely filthy phrases to look at, and think about, and send form letters about . . . mmm . . . . You're welcome.

P.S. While you're at it, could you please require all Hummers to remove their name plates? You do know that hummer can also mean . . . something totally different? Also, if anyone has them, please do something about the following plates. After exhaustive (but incomplete) internet research, I am very concerned that I might be subjected to them:

Bishop -- because that, too, can mean . . . something else, you know.

Cowgirl -- it don't mean what it used to back home.

J.T. -- because it could be short for John Thomas, which, you know . . .

Cookie -- don't even get me started on that one . . . .

And as for all those Bush '04 bumper stickers? I'm taking names.

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