FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: A new study reveals that persons who attend Utah Jazz home games are smarter than persons who attend the LDS Christmas Concert. The study, conducted by local blog Voice of Utah, consisted of two separate phases: the first undertaken at the corner of 400 West and South Temple over a 16-year period, and the second completed from a private passenger vehicle over two consecutive evenings this week.
"We didn't go into this with any preconceived notions," the blog said, "but the dumbass-to-nondumbass ratio turned out to be much higher for the Christmas Concert than for Jazz games. For example, Jazz fans show a 198 percent greater capacity to recognize objects such as left-turn signals and crosswalks. Likewise, association of red lights with a cessation of forward movement was 107 percent higher among Jazz fans."
Study results were unequivocal, the bloggers declared. "After eliminating non-dumbasses from our study (Sutherland Institute™), we found that one hundred percent of Christmas Concert goers were dumbasses."
The study bodes well for his city's upcoming soccer stadium, House Speaker Greg Curtis said, but the researchers said their results would not necessarily carry over. "Remember, those people in Sandy will be on their way to a Real Salt Lake game."